Hello, Dear Reader.
“Long time, no see” you think. And yes, you are right.
I promised to be back after a short break in October, but I have needed some time to get back to the colorful, wonderful world I know is out there. I had to crawl out of the black and grey airless bubble that hit me after my mom died in October.
When one have been doing as I have for the last 20 years, it is very important to have anchors, or something that keep you steady and give you support, when times are lonely, rough and difficult. She was one of them, even if we were disagreeing about so much. But not only that, she was the person that could call you at four o’clock in the night and says things like: “My daughter, we are here and there and look, there are military tanks and demonstrations outside the hotel window”, and it is obviously for everyone else, except her, that she should not be there, at that right moment.
But this is how she was, and she loved to be close to were things happened. She felt very much for being alive, and this she transferred early on to me. She is the only one that I know that walked around with her heavy purse and used it to beat off thieves, either they were coming on foot or scooters! When she was prevented to be in the center of a big happening, she used the same excitement in finding and using colorful and amazing clothes, and read books that inspired her even more to enjoy every breath that she took.
When she got diagnosed with the disease that finally got her to take her last breath, she tried to ignore it and just went on with her life the usual way. But even a steel woman like my mom had to finally give in, and that left us all with a huge, empty room that only could be filled with our memories and the smell of Chanel number 5.
Dear Reader, to go on writing when the times were so dark, it was for me impossible. Even now, it is hard! I will try to blog twice a week for now, and see later if this will change. But I will be kind to myself and let more color in as the days goes by. Sorrow never vanish in thin air, but is put in small drawers in the back of our mind. After a while these drawers can be opened and closed when WE want it, and the sorrow will lose out. Death is a part of our life, and it is these sometimes hard and unforgiven feelings and experiences that gives us a whole life. And a whole life is good.